


Fear

by Lilly0



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Claustrophobia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Psychological Trauma, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 04:44:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10779819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilly0/pseuds/Lilly0
Summary: Jun doesn't know when and how it got triggered, but step by step he feels more and more unsettled while riding an elevator. He is too scared to even tell his boyfriend. And to his horror he soon finds himself in a vicious circle of lies and excuses, with his condition getting worse every day.





	Fear

Jun doesn’t know when it started or why it got triggered but whenever the door of an elevator closes in front of him, his chest tightens, and his breath hitches. It began slowly and got worse step by step, so that he almost didn’t notice it at first.

 

It was winter, two years ago, when he felt dizzy for the first time when he took the elevator. The dizziness faded when he stepped out of it. It came back when he took another elevator, and it happened again the next day. First Jun thought it was because of the weather. Hot, humid. Headache. But the summer passed, humidity passed, stress passed, only his dizziness remained, and it only appeared when he was in an elevator.

 

He started to distract himself, realizing it was easier when he was together with someone. He would chat with Aiba then or tease Sho or play thumb-wrestling with Nino or just have a no-words-needed, grunted conversation with Ohno. For two months it worked.

 

Once chatting with others wasn’t able to erase his unsettling feeling, he resorted to music. Listening to music relaxed him, it was able to put him into a place of comfort, into a different world.

 

Soon however he discovered that this strategy didn’t keep working either. Whatever he did, whatever strategy he used, it would only help for a couple of weeks, a few months the most, then the effect would lessen, and the unsettling feeling would come back. The worst part of it however was that each and every time, after every new and failed strategy, the feeling of tightness and fear got worse.

 

It started with small elevators, when he was alone. Now it doesn’t matter anymore if the elevator is big or stuffed. Even smaller, normal rooms unsettle him.

 

 

~~~

 

 

Jun almost jumps out of his skin when he feels something cold being pressed against his forehead. When he looks up it’s Sho. He is holding a bottle with cold tea in his hands.

 

“I’m sorry,” Sho stutters. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

 

“It’s okay,” Jun takes the bottle out of his hands, pressing it against his head again. “Actually it feels nice. Cool.”

 

Sho frowns, brushing through Jun’s hair carefully before he rests his hand on Jun’s forehead. “You don’t have a fever, have you?”

 

“No, mom,” Jun chuckles.

 

Sho pouts. “I’m not your mom. I’m your good-looking, hot and smart sex-genius boyfriend.”

 

Jun smiles. “Did you just call yourself good-looking and smart and a sex-genius?”

 

Sho plops down next to him, grinning cutely. “Made you smile, didn’t it?”

 

“A bit.” Jun admits, not pushing away when he feels Sho’s fingers against his thighs. “Okay, I do feel a bit dizzy at the moment.”

 

“Again?” Sho asks in surprise. “You are having that a lot recently.”

 

“I’m alright,” Jun defends himself.

 

“Jun-san,” Sho says earnestly. “You need to check on that. Please.”

 

Jun puts up the best convincing smile he can come up with. He has learned that when he doesn’t see Sho as his partner, and the others as friends, but as actors in a movie, it’s easier. He can play a role then. It’s like the others lose their identity then and for a moment he can pretend to be in a film.

 

He feels bad when he does it, because it’s like he strips everyone from their personalities and dehumanizes them. In these moments he sees them as figures only, but what is he supposed to do? He knows where his dizziness comes from, and his constant uneasiness… after they have to take the elevator up to the 15th floor every time they shoot here. How is he supposed to tell the others?

 

 

~~~

 

Jun painfully realizes that lies lead to more lies.

 

“I’m going by foot.”

 

Aiba looks at him like he has lost his mind while he points at the direction of their destination. Up. “You mean you want to walk? To the 10th floor?” He laughs, like Jun just made a brilliant joke.

 

“I feel like doing some exercise,” Jun says casually.

 

It makes Nino snort. “You and Masaki are pretty much the only one who exercise anyways. Why now?”

 

“He is right,” Sho says in surprise. “You were just going for a run yesterday evening.”

 

That’s true. Jun tries hard not to blush. He goes for the usual strategy, tries to blend out that these are his friends, almost family, that he loves Sho and shouldn’t lie to him – and tries to see them as personas from a book or movie. “The doctor said taking the stairs would be good,” Jun hears himself say.

 

What the hell is he talking about?

 

“Oh,” Aiba makes, slightly surprised. “Makes sense.”

 

“Why didn’t you say so immediately.” Nino rolls his eyes.

 

Sho smiles. “I’m coming with you.”

 

“No way,” Jun argues. He just lies his way out of this, and now Sho even wants to join him? That’s-

 

“I think it’s a good idea,” Ohno suddenly intervenes out of nowhere. He was so silent up to now that Jun almost forgot he is here. There is something in his eyes, and Jun isn’t quite sure what it is, and if he likes it or not.

 

Sho nods firmly. With that it’s set and whatever objections and reasons Jun has, saying them now will only raise suspicion, so he bites down on his tongue and holds them back. He doesn’t even understand why he can’t tell Sho or his friends what’s wrong with him. He feels embarrassed because of his problem, and scared, and he isn’t sure how they would react. It’s ridiculous after all. They won’t understand.

 

They haven’t even reached the fifth floor and Sho is panting heavily. He tries to cover it up by making silly comments, but Jun knows he feels tired. “I’m sorry,” Jun mumbles. “So sorry.”

 

Sho blinks in confusion when Jun suddenly wraps his arms around him, kissing him softly. “What are you apologizing for?” he chuckles. “Don’t be silly.” He nuzzles his nose into Jun’s hair. “Though I kinda like it here,” he grins. “No one is around to interrupt us.”

 

Jun can’t help a smile spreading around his lips. “We can’t possibly do something here,” he teases.

 

“But why not?” Sho asks in a mock-whiny tone he likes to use to make Jun laugh.

 

It works because Jun giggles. “I’ll do everything you want once we get home,” he whispers after a while, hoping he got the seductive tone down. It seems to work because Sho’s eyes suddenly glint slightly. Yes, it makes him feel a bit better to reward Sho with something, although he can’t get rid of his guilty feelings.

 

“I’ll take you up on that offer,” he points out with a smirk.

 

Jun nods. Giving Sho something in return for this stupid task here at least makes him feel a bit better.

 

 

~~~

It doesn’t happen often that they all go out together, colliding schedules and work basically get in their way, funny enough although they work together. But occasionally they are all free at the same time and can go for a drink or dinner, all together.

 

They visit a new restaurant at the top floor of a skyscraper in Roppongi. And this time Jun couldn’t use the excuse not to take the elevator. He tries the usual strategies, hums a song, counts down in his head, focuses on Sho’s beautiful hands and imagines what he can do with them, chats with Nino and looks at Sho’s hands again. His own palms feel sweaty, his heart racing so much that he hears the thumping in his ears, it’s like his blood rushes through his veins. When he is about to lose his guard and break down, the door opens with a ding and they can step outside.

 

Ohno throws him a worried glance. “You are kind of pale, Jun-san, are you alright?”

 

Again it strikes Jun that Ohno was the only who didn’t say anything in the elevator. Hopefully he didn’t watch too closely. But when Ohno smiles at him, he shoves the thought aside. “I’m fine, thank you,” he says with the best convincing tone he can come up with. “Just a bit tired.”

 

Gladly there is quite some noise coming from the restaurant so that the others didn’t catch their conversation, and Nino already tugs him long to their separated place at the roof deck. “I swear I’m eating five bowls of pasta tonight,” he says. “They don’t have hamburgers unfortunately.”

 

Jun chuckles. “Sad?”

 

Nino grins. “A bit. But I’ll survive with Italian food too.”

 

Jun laughs. He hasn’t even realized how good he became at this – to pretend that everything is alright. For a moment when Sho secretly squeezes his knee beneath the table and they eat, it actually really _feels_ alright. Almost. But it’s close enough. When their dessert comes however, Jun feels the nervous tugging in his stomach again. He has to drive down again at one point, he knows that, and the closer they get to finish their food, the closer he gets to having to take the elevator again.

 

He is glad that Sho had a drink more than usual, so he daringly holds his hand once the elevator closes its doors, and it gives Jun some balance he needs. For a moment he believes he can make it, he almost feels certain again, as they are approaching the 2nd floor already, and are almost down. Then however the elevator jerks slightly, a low screeching and the light goes dim.

 

“Power breakdown it seems,” Nino muses.

 

Jun doesn’t hear what they are saying anymore, his heart starts to race like it never has before. Something in his ears rings. Sho turns around, saying something, but he can’t hear it. His sight gets clouded, his own breath echoing in his ears.

 

Then it’s suddenly black.

 

 

~~~

 

 

Jun wakes up by a beeping sound, his eyes feeling heavy, his head hurting. He feels something warm against his hand, and a voice talking to him. When his eyes grow accustomed to the surrounding, he sees right into Sho’s worried eyes. “Jun-kun!” he exclaims in relief. “Thank god!”

 

“Sho-san?” Jun mumbles. “Where am I?”

 

“In hospital,” Sho exclaims. “You suddenly fainted in the elevator. And…well… here we are…”

 

“I’m sorry,” Jun mumbles, his stomach clenching by the thought that his nerves got the better of him. He should be stronger than that.

 

“Why are you apologizing again,” Sho says, squeezing his hand. “You are doing this a lot recently.”

 

“Doing what?” Ohno shuffles into the room, eyes lightening up in joy and relief when he sees Jun. “You are awake!” he exclaims with a dorky grin, patting Jun’s head like he is a five-year old. “I’m so relieved, Jun. I’ll immediately tell the others.”

 

Sho nods with a blissful smile, holding Jun’s hand tightly. “The doctors here said that you don’t have anaemia or anything alike. You are just a bit dehydrated. Did you feel dizzy tonight? Or sick?”

 

Jun blushes. “I’m fine.”

 

“Maybe you should tell Sho-kun,” Ohno states much to Jun’s horror.

 

Sho blinks. “Tell me what?”

 

“Tell you what he couldn’t tell anyone since months and probably longer,” Ohno states casually, but throws Jun an insistent glance. “Come on, Jun-kun. Trust us.”

 

Jun seriously wishes there would be a hole opening up beneath him so that he could disappear in it. But there is no hole, instead Sho stares at him in utmost shock. “You are… sick.” He clasps Jun’s hand tightly, tears already shimmering in his eyes. “Oh, Jun, I-“

 

“I’m not sick, Sho-kun!” Jun says with emphasis before Sho can talk himself into a panic attack.

 

Ohno throws him an encouraging glance. “Tell him, Jun-kun, tell him,” he says again, softly now. “Meanwhile I’ll go and look for the others.”

 

He shows Jun a soothing smile before he leaves them alone. Sho blinks at the door closing behind him before turning to Jun. “Tell me what?” he asks carefully.

 

“You will think I’m silly,” Jun says quietly.

 

“Jun,” Sho looks at him insistently. “I’m really worried. Please, just tell me. You are not ill?”

 

“No, not that I know.” Jun eyes Sho nervously. “It’s just that recently… or rather since a while…” Jeez, how is he going to say it? Sho takes his hand again, eyeing him in deepest worry. He looks so sincerely worried that Jun just has to diffuse his fear. “I feel claustrophobic. Sometimes. Or rather always when I ride the elevator.”

 

Sho stares at him in surprise. “What?”

 

“I… am close to a panic attack when I have to take the elevator. It wasn’t that strong before but now…it’s just…”   Jun’s voice trails off and he doesn’t even dare to look at Sho.

 

Sho reaches out his hand, touching his cheek and turning his head so that he has to look at him. “You mean, whenever you are in an elevator or a really small room, you panic?” Jun nods, and Sho lets out a deep sigh. “God, Jun, I’m so sorry.”

 

“WHAT!?” Jun exclaims. “What for?”

 

“We are together, and I didn’t even notice. So, when you use the stairs… Jeez, I’m such a blind idiot. Pretty pathetic. I-“

 

“Would you stop this please?” Jun huffs. “You didn’t do anything wrong! I didn’t tell you. In fact I began to lie to you so that you wouldn’t get suspicious, because I didn’t know how to tell you.” He swallows. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly, feeling embarrassed. His eyes burn slightly by the tears he is trying to hold back now. “For all the worries and the lies and…I should have told you earlier instead of hiding everything but I couldn’t. It’s so…”

 

“I understand,” Sho says much to Jun’s surprise. He squeezes Jun’s hand. “I wished you wouldn’t have let it escalated liked this Jun, I wished you would have told me sooner, but I understand that it was difficult for you.”

 

His voice sounds weirdly hoarse and Jun immediately catches the doubt in it. “I trust you, Sho-kun,” he says with emphasis. “I really do. There was no logical reason for me not to tell you. I was just scared.”

 

“Of me?” Sho wants to know nervously.

 

Jun shakes his head. “I was worried about if you would understand or not, but above all I just didn’t want to acknowledge that I have a problem. I _do_ trust you,” he tries to emphasis, feeling miserable all of a sudden. He hasn’t considered Sho’s feelings at all, once he would find out. “I never meant to hurt you,” he says quietly, tears filling his eyes.

 

“Jun,” Sho says and wraps his arms around Jun and pulls him closer, rubbing over his back. “Hiding such things will hurt you the most in the end. Just think about yourself… how long are you living with it already? Wasn’t it extremely exhausting?”

 

Jun nods meekly. “You are right,” he admits.

 

“Don’t think I’ll let you alone in this,” Sho points out. “You look like you expect me to just yell at you and stomp off.”

 

Jun blushes. Is he really so obvious.

 

Sho frowns. “Don’t make me mad now.”

 

His blunt raction draws a careful smile from Jun, it’s like huge weight was lifted from his shoulders. He squeezes Sho’s hand. “I’ll need you,” he says honestly. “I really do.”

 

Sho blushes slightly. “It’s rare that you are so direct,” he stutters and helps Jun to sit up. “It’s… of course I’ll help you.”

 

He is cute when he is a stuttering mess, Jun thinks. It doesn’t happen often, but as they normally aren’t that blunt and straight-forward with their feelings it seems like when he says things like how he needs Sho and is thankful to have him around, it makes them both into blushing awkward bundles of nerves.

 

 

~~~

 

 

“I can’t believe I didn’t notice,” Nino says in disbelief. “And out of all it’s Riida who realized! I mean, how embarrassing.”

 

“I know what you mean,” Aiba pouts. “To imagine Riida knew while we two idiots-“

 

“Three idiots,” Sho intervenes.

 

Aiba nods. “-three idiots were not even having a clue.”

 

“What do you mean, out of all it’s Riida,” Ohno intervenes, pouting a bit.

 

“Man, nothing against you, but feelings and intuition aren’t your forte,” Nino says dryly, making Sho and Aiba chuckle.

 

“I just feel really bad,” Aiba points out. “We see each other almost every day, still…”

 

“It’s not your fault,” Jun intervenes. He is preparing cabbage soup, sushi and seaweed salad for all of them. Aiba is allowed to help, the others are banned from his kitchen. He has invited them over to his place, cooking for them to basically make up for worrying them, though – as expected – none of them even judged him for anything. They are such good people, which makes Jun’s resolution even firmer to actually change things. “You develop strategies, you know,” Jun admits.

 

“Strategies?” Ohno asks curiously.

 

“So that others won’t notice,” Jun says quietly. “I read up on it during the last days.” What he read upset him a lot. Not only the things he was doing to himself but rather what kind of evasive methods he used on his friends. “It’s mental, so your brain provides you with strategies and methods so that no one will notice. Kind of like you trick them.”

 

Sho and Aiba exchange a glance. “Still feeling bad,” Sho comments dryly.

 

“Totally,” Aiba agrees.

 

“Still upset that Riida noticed before me,” Nino adds sulkily.

 

Ohno frowns. “I’m not that slow normally.”

 

“Still, Nino is a lot faster,” Sho points out. “But don’t worry guys, the biggest failure is-“

 

Jun interrupts them by forcefully putting a pan with vegetables in front of them. “No one failed here, it’s no one’s fault,” he huffs, feeling a tight feeling in his stomach. “It’s my fault. I didn’t want anyone to know.” He must have sounded really exasperated and panicked because the others back down immediately.

 

“Okay,” Ohno says softly. “It’s okay. We won’t fight over it anymore.”

 

“I just don’t want you guys to feel bad for something that isn’t even your fault,” Jun continues his explanation, feeling close to tears… fucking again. “I mean, I…” his voice trails off, he isn’t sure how to voice his sentiment and how to explain it properly.

 

“We understand,” Sho says soothingly. “Should I cut these vegetables?”

 

His innocent question – later on Jun will actually wonder if he did it on purpose –makes Jun snap out of his emotionally straining state of mind. “No!” He calls out in horror, and immediately takes the pan away from Sho, placing it in front of Nino. “Maybe, Nino could…”

 

Nino grins. “Sure, Nino can help. Nino wants to help.”

 

Nino’s statement makes them all crack up. Jun feels how his nerves are calming down too. He hasn’t felt that relaxed in a long time. Of course previously when his problem started and he didn’t even know it was one there were times he could relax but during the last months it got so strong that it was impossible for him to relax, even when he was with Sho.

 

He is in the bathroom for a moment, alone, when Sho approaches him. The latter wraps his arms around him. “Are you okay?” Sho asks in worry.

 

Jun leans into the hug, allowing himself to show at least a bit of weakness for once. “I’m not sure,” he admits quietly. “I didn’t know how straining it was to lie all the time and cover it up,” he explains honestly. “But I don’t know… why… I mean, how come I am so scared of being in a small room.”

 

“Such things are often buried deep beneath one,” Sho says carefully. “It’s not your fault, Jun. I have the feeling you are eager to reassure us that it’s nothing we could have been aware of. At the same time you beat yourself up over being scared in the first place.”

 

Jun feels a little taken aback by how sharp Sho is and how he was able to read into his feelings and mood so easily. He takes Sho’s hands to stop them from moving over his cheek. He feels like bursting into tears if Sho continues to be so sweet.

 

“Let’s talk about this later,” Sho offers.

 

Later sounds good.

 

 

~~~

 

 

“If I hug you, do you feel cornered?” Sho asks carefully when he sits down next to Jun and opens his arms.

 

Jun shakes his head, slightly surprised by Sho’s gesture. Hugging is not something they normally do. So is cuddling. Jun literally needs a few minutes to grasp the whole concept of Sho wrapping his arms around him. “What are you doing?” he asks sceptically.

 

Sho pouts. “Hugging you!”

 

“Why?” Jun blinks. “You never did that before.”

 

“Of course I hugged you before,” Sho argues.

 

“No you didn’t.”

 

Sho laughs. “Come on, Jun-san, we are together since one year. Of course I held you in my arms.”

 

“Yes,” Jun snorts. “When we have sex. Not the same!”

 

Sho blushes. “So… you don’t want to?”

 

“I’ve never said that,” Jun defends himself. “Just that… it’s new.”

 

Sho smiles widely, apparently relieved that Jun didn’t diffuse the idea all in all. He carefully wraps his arms around Jun, pulling him closer. Jun blinks a bit, but lets it happen. It feels strange first, a bit suffocating almost, but when he hears Sho’s heart beat against his chest, he feels calm and relaxed suddenly. It feels good and safe to be in Sho’s arms. “I’m sorry for hiding it from you,” Jun admits.

 

Sho stays silent for a while then Jun can feel how he nods. “I know. I’m not angry.”

 

Jun snorts in disbelief.

 

“Okay, I was, a bit,” Sho admits, sounding embarrassed. “Then I felt kind of down. I mean, I wasn’t sure if you didn’t trust me enough.”

 

Jun looks up in shock. “But-“

 

“I know, I know,” Sho interrupts him. “I understand it’s not that simple.”

 

“I feel like an idiot,” Jun admits quietly.

 

“Jun…” Sho starts, but Jun shakes his head.

 

“I know what you want to say, and that it’s not logical to feel that way, still… I’m so embarrassed. It’s pathetic.” Jun bites down on his lips. “At the same time it’s also so scary. It blocks my life, influences it to an extent I didn’t expect it to. It started slow and with tiny signs, and accumulated to this.”

 

“You have to talk to an expert with this,” Sho says, and Jun can sense that he wanted to suggest seeing a therapist since quite a while already. He sounds so careful. “And it’s not pathetic! I don’t want you to think so low of you.” He frowns, and Jun actually has to chuckle at the angry look Sho gives him. “I don’t want you to say something like that!”

 

“Okay, senpai,” Jun teases softly, smiling when Sho blushes. “I know,” Jun admits. “I need to visit a therapist. I googled my issue, and many people with similar problems say that things like this get triggered from certain events in the past. I have to find the trigger. But I’m scared about what it is. Maybe it’s something I buried deep in my mind, and when I find it again…”

 

His voice trails off, and he can feel Sho’s arms around him tightening. “I’ll be there too, Jun. Don’t be scared. We’ll do this together, okay? This time though promise to let me in and share your fears with me.”

 

Jun nods, his voice feeling dry. “I promise,” he says, fighting against the urge to burst into tears. “Same goes for you.”

 

Sho chuckles softly. “I promise too.”

 

Jun nods, ready to allow himself to drift to sleep and relax when something important comes to his mind. “The answer is no, by the way.”

 

Sho blinks. “To what?”

 

“It doesn’t feel suffocating if you hug me.”

 

 

~~~

 

Jun has learned many things over the past months. The one he needed to wrap his mind around the most is… it doesn’t need to be logical. The fact that something seems to lay buried deep beneath his mind, something that triggered this fear, but he can’t remember is truly unsettling.

 

In case it is not a trigger it might come from a deeply unsettling feeling of stress that accumulated over months or longer and then suddenly relieved in his fear of closed rooms. He doubts it’s the latter though, which means he needs to face the first option properly.

 

His counsellor says he is doing well. He even made him live and face his fear by driving with the elevator already, showing him breathing techniques. It’s difficult but Jun just knows that he wants to fight it. He doesn’t want it to win over him!

 

“We can take the stairs,” Sho offers when they go on a date together. In one of those fancy restaurants they both like so much.

 

Jun shakes his head. “You can’t give me a way out, Sho-san,” he explains. “Even if we might fight over it, I need you to be as normal as possible around me, and even push me a little. It cannot dominate my whole life.”

 

Sho nods. “Is that what your therapist said?”

 

Jun nods, and Sho takes a deep breath. “Let’s take the elevator then,” he demands leisurely. Jun has not much time to prepare because the elevator is at their floor, the door swings open and he is left with no other choice but to step inside. The moment the door closes in front of them Jun can feel his chest tightening and his heart racing uncontrolled. He tries to focus on his breathing techniques but it’s harder than usual. Before he can freak out though he feels a well-known hand in his. He blinks slightly when Sho pulls him into his arms. “Breathe,” Sho says softly. “You are going to do this.”

 

Jun lets out a shaky breath, trying to focus on Sho’s heartbeat and the feeling of his arms around his chest. He knows Sho won’t be here every time he needs to drive an elevator, but the memory of this moment will.

 

This is not rational, it’s not a logical fear, Jun recites in his head. He knows it, and he also knows it will take a while for his mind to accept this knowledge but for him it’s already a huge step forward that he doesn’t freak out today. He smiles slightly at Sho. “Thank you,” he says softly, feeling how his heartbeat normalizes and he can focus on his breathing techniques again. “Ever imagined you would end up with a neurotic boyfriend?”

 

Sho grins and plants a kiss against Jun’s forehead. “Ever imagined you would be with a workaholic one?”

 

Jun chuckles. “Guess we are even?”

 

“I’m actually relieved,” Sho grins. “I mean, you seemed to be too perfect.” He chuckles when Jun smacks him. Before he looks at Jun in a mock-earnest way. “Now that we know each other’s dirtiest secret we have to spend our entire life together. I hope you know that?”

 

Jun chuckles and nods.

 

 

~~~

 

Jun learns to tell Sho more about what’s going on inside him. Like what he feels when he steps into an elevator. Sho isn’t judging him, in fact he tries so hard to understand that it warms Jun heart, and he wonders why he was so afraid of telling him before. He has less problems now with being in a tiny room, while the elevator is still a problem.

 

“I remember being in an elevator once,” Jun explains to Sho. “When I was a child. I got beat up by a few bullies. I forgot about it, and I didn’t even make the connection to this incident until last week when I was at my therapist.”

 

“Do you think it’s what triggered your fear?” Sho wants to know.

 

Jun shrugs. “I’m not sure. It’s possible that two years ago I saw something or, you know, my subconscious remembered something and then my fear got triggered.”

 

“But that’s good,” Sho says proudly. “You are making so many progresses! I read up on claustrophobia, and it says if detected early enough there are 80% chances of being healed completely.”

 

Jun feels touched that Sho goes to the lengths of even reading up on this, while he probably has so much work. It prompts him to share more things about himself with Sho, and Sho seems to be so genuinely happy about it that Jun knows that letting Sho in was the best decision he made. He even tells him that his therapist suggested him to find an anchor. Something that keeps his mind in place whenever he rides an elevator.

 

One week later Sho comes home late with a box in his hand. A tiny one. He blushes furiously while he hands it to Jun with a failing cool “Here.”

 

Jun blinks. “What is this?”

 

“Don’t ask,” Sho whines. “Just open it.”

 

When Jun does, his eyes widen. There are two items in it. One is a bracelet, an armring actually, carefully manufactured, with little filigree lines and patterns carved into it, sparkling in a light lilac colour. When Jun takes a closer look he realizes that there are his and Sho’s names carved into it. The other item is a necklace, a charm attached to it, out of a similar style and colour, again with their names in it. Jun is speechless.

 

“I thought,” Sho stutters. “We could maybe… you know… you could choose one, and I’ll take the other and then… we both wear it.” He pauses before continuing to ramble like he is in panic. “But if you find it stupid, I don’t know, we could maybe donate it or give it to Aiba-chan on his birthday, and-“

 

“Shut up,” Jun says immediately. “I’m not giving this to anyone!”

 

Sho’s eyes light up. “You like it?”

 

He feels tears burning in his eyes. “You made us matching jewellery,” he mumbles, feeling touched and happy like never before. And an anchor. It’s an anchor, although Sho doesn’t say it is.

 

“I chose different types of jewellery so that fans won’t notice. Or in general, no one will immediately notice. It’s safer for us, and we can wear it every day like that. And when you are feeling scared, you can look at it and remember that I’ll always be there for you. But of course if you think this is too pathetic and cheesy and I don’t know-”

 

Jun hugs him before he can continue to babble nonsense and ruin the moment. “This is so romantic,” he whispers, lips shivering. “This is so… thank you.”

 

Sho pats his back like he isn’t sure how to react to Jun showing his appreciation so obviously. “So, I was romantic?” Sho asks finally, drawing back a bit to look at Jun with gleaming eyes, like he finally won something. “Finally!”

 

Jun chuckles, grabbing Sho’s collar and pulling him closer until their lips almost touch. “Shut up, you romantic idiot,” he teases before he surges forward, pressing his lips against Sho’s grinning lips.

 

“Hm,” Sho hums. “I like your way of being romantic better,” he points out with a chuckle while Jun pushes him towards the sofa until the both drop down on it. Jun straddles his hips, taking his shirt off while he does so. Sho’s hands are roaming his chest immediately. “Yes,” Sho agrees to himself. “Perfectly romantic.”

 

Jun laughs, his heart swelling with joy. The two charms are lying safely on the kitchen table for now. Later Jun will look at them over and over again, his heart jumping every time when he realizes Sho gave them to him and how it means more than a simple present. It’s his safety belt. And anchor. And it’s a promise.

 

For now however he just wants to hold Sho in his arms and be held by him.

 


End file.
